I Was Afraid Of Being A Homosexual

I was afraid of being a homosexualI am a man and i use to run through the flames of life as a homosexual. Once as a heterosexual and sometimes – when everybody wants to hold a speech about sexual issues and how to handle it, I’m a non-sexual. There is no need to tell someone or strangers about your homosexuality, your preferences in bed. I mean, do others tell you about theirs? I don’t want to know about his or her preferences when they are not close to my family or circle of friends. Just imagine how it would be, if everybody tells you how he or she is fucking.

In my sexual behavior patterns I am as much a stereotype as everyone else is. As much dangerous, funny, fallible, disciplined or – indeed – sexual motivated than others. There is nothing special on my sexual behavior that would be worth mentioning in comparison to straight people. Okay, except that I allow myself to love all of them: straight, bi or gay people. Women and men. Maybe thats what straight people are afraid of: of free minded people.

If we want a rich treasury of experience, knowledge, education and values in our life, we (as much as everyone) should rethink our conventional attitudes. To emancipate ourselves from other homo sapiens principal figures of ideology is one thing, another is, to live among emancipated people. Look around you, your social community – who is free and who is only a ruminating machine of stereotypes? We all stand under the personal influence of others. Who is finally free, aware, conscious about if our opinions are influenced or formed?

And there are in fact some extreme influenced people, who are talking and thinking without any logic: on the outside you’ll find even people who think I am one of these HIV-guys because I am gay. There is no logic and they weren’t born with this attitude … I mean, a lot of straight friends do less against the risks to get the HIV-virus in comparison to my gay friends. And the straight guys are still able to donate their blood without control.

Reduce to sexuality?

A lot of gay people reproduce the cliches and pretend, that if you are gay, you will always find yourself reduced to your sexuality. If there would be a chance to decide by yourself if you’ll let yourself reduce or not, how would you decide?

Who produce the cliches?

A second thing is, that gays help building a reputation on homosexuals – that homosexuals are above-average sexual motivated, because they are always talking about sex, sexual orientation, they always fuck around no matter who and how often, they don’t care about health, morality, … Wait! Who?

The gay (or LGBT people) should care less about the chit-chat, the gossip of the unhappy people, who regularly talking about things without knowing anything. I don’t mean to stop all that effectively activism against discrimination. But we should stop reproducing the stereotypes in our everyday life.

Like as there would be a rule, especially people who don’t know much about gay life (or LGBT people) spreading cliches about them. We should ask what they really know about their statements about our lifes (and risks for society). And we all should control their arguments on religious aspects. At this point we unfortunately should notice, that there are a lot of countries, where you still not allowed to talk about any kind of gay themed issue or you, as a homosexual, even have to be afraid of life imprisonment. Death penalty for homosexuals are still exist in Yemen, Iran, Mauritania, Nigeria and Sudan.

In the beginning of my gay career I thought they could reduce me too but it never happened to me. I made some different, some better experiences. Maybe I should be glad about living in a country like germany (don’t think that homosexuals are accepted in general!). Sometimes I am glad. I am glad about the fact, that most of my friends and my family know exactly who I am without having problems with it. Often a result of intelligence, education and in the end of talking with each other. I’ve never made a big thing of it. I didn’t have to say I am homosexual, so get over it! 

Gay guys are as cool as straight guys

I am a gay boy, of course, for my friends often an untypical one. When they try to identify my untypical characteristics (as a gay boy), I ask them, perhaps sometimes with a smile, what is untypical for a gay boy, what is the difference between me as your friend and your imagination of gay people? They use to answer, you are not as feminine as they are. You are miles away to be a bod. They use to to say that I am like a cool straight man, a straight-lookin’ and -acting man, like a … like what? Gay guys are as cool as straight guys and other way round, of course. The cool guy, if there ever would be one, is always the one who is authentic. No matter if he is straight or gay.

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Before I was a straight guy

You know what? Before I was a straight guy, a heterosexual one, before I was a woman-fucking-man … I always dreamt about live as a gay boy. I thought, when I ever would have sex with a man, this must be overwhelming, much better than the best sexual situation with a woman. But I was afraid of.

I was coming out

Nothing happened, when I came out of the closet. After two years chatting around by night on gay dating websites with some cute and attentive boys or should I say men, I was coming out unspectacular. When I become gay – should I say so?, … everyone around me, except my father, were interested at how it is or would be to live as a gay boy. They always were more interested than I in all that gay issues. My father was afraid of asking me anything on gay themed topics until today. I have to accept that, I guess.

You must be gay

I know, not everybody made the same experience as I did – often I read about others and what they experienced. Not everybody is getting fulfilled by being gay. Some may say, to be gay isn’t an easy life. I don’t like to understand, why we all think about which sexual orientation everybody has and why some people make other peoples life so difficult by discriminating them, by saying your are this or that. You wearing a pink shirt? So you must be gay. You are listening to Kylie Minogue, to Judy Garland, … well, straight people are listening to them too. It doesn’t make the music more valuable just because they are straight or it doesn’t make music to a typical gay music, just because homosexuals listen to it. There are some heroes in the gay community. My heroes making rap music, jazz, classic tunes … hm.

I am not interested in what is typical for homosexuals. Because I don’t believe in the importance of the gender thing. I am interested in what is sexuality, of course. What is a man, what should a man do with his life and sexuality, with his spirit and what is difference between a woman and a man and all that mindset.

I am free

I like boys, men, gay men. But more I am interested in why the most people are afraid of living there own sexuality. Also straight people. They also afraid of living there own way. They often dream or talking about being free. I am free. Maybe not as much as I would like to be but I am. Free in mind.

This blog is to remind me on all the beautiful things of the gay life, the straight life – also to remind me on the problems of making the differences.

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2 comments
  1. Nice text, very true. A bit utopian in my mindset, but that’s a good thing!

  2. missgeschick said:

    Thank you!

    I think when we are able to see, able to emancipate ourselves from the low level discussions, lead by people who don’t love, who want to decide the value of other people, those who are make differences because of gender, skin, nationality, opinions, religion … we will see, that we’ll become much more power, a solid attitude, a better network. We also have to work on it, continue the movement of logic. Because what happened with so much violence has no logic. We should discuss where we feel save to do so. That’s not what I hope, it’s what I see and experience my whole life. It works. Everyone can activate his or her own culture in his or her own circles and communities. It’s not a matter of time, it’s a matter of doing something, it’s not about fighting it’s a matter of behavior in everyday life.

    M

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